Letter to my daughters // 27

Dear Jalayla Bee and Lola Bee,

I just wrote you a letter. Back so soon? Why yes. Yes I am. I am back to tell you how much I miss you. I miss you so much it is hard to type this because my eyes well with tears and I can’t see the screen clearly. Leaving you never gets easy. Never. Since Lola arrived we haven’t had a night away from each other. A few hours yes even a full day but no go to sleep and wake ups without seeing each other. Our goodbyes were filled with tears from me and from you Jalayla. And I get it. You and I, we’re sort of best friends. And I know there are people who say that your child shouldn’t be your best friend but clearly they don’t have what we have my love. See our best friendship is different than the best friendship I share with nana or my grownup bestest. I don’t drown you in my worries or accept or come to you with advice. I don’t vent to you. Our friendship is simple and it’s sweet. We just love each other with everything we’ve got. We share ice cream and cuddles. We polish each other’s nails. We tell each other if our breath stinks and pick stray eyelashes off of each other’s faces. We giggle and laugh and I am the keeper of your secrets. And the thing is even when I have to be stern and discipline, when the dust settles and your arms are uncrossed no love has been lost…I get to wipe your tears when you cry and cheer you on as you reach for your goals. I get to make memories with you by my side. In a way that’s how I’ve grown up. We’ve grown up together you being a catalyst helping me to be the best person I can be. It makes sense that you and I are so close. Kindred spirits. It makes sense that we weep when we are not together.

Your tears although heartbreaking for me, reminded me of how much you love me. They reminded me that as hard as I am on myself I have to be doing something right. They reminded me of how blessed I am to be the recipient of such love, a love that sat beside me on the way to the airport holding my hand the entire time. A love that promised she would do her best not to do too much growing while I was away so that I wouldn’t miss anything.

You are a reminder of God’s grace. He gave me something so beautiful and precious and oh how I cherish it and you. And then he gave me a second helping of grace in the form of your sister. My sweet Lola. I wrangled Lola for hugs and kisses. She didn’t cry. Not one tear. I wondered if she got it, did she understand. Would she miss me? Would she look for my cheeks to hold in the middle of the night, would she long to hear the sound of my heartbeat.

I know you two will be just fine. You have each other and are surrounded by such love.  This time away is a blessing for daddy and me but it is also reminding me that I have to trust in my Heavenly Father. My biggest fear is not watching you two grow up and not growing old with your daddy. My biggest fear is missing out on the tomorrows and the day afters.

My prayer is that I return home to my babies. In the meantime I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know that the fact that our goodbyes aren’t easy isn’t such a bad thing. Our weeping — it’s ok. That ugly cry thing we do — completely ok.

It’s ok because our tears are an outward display of the love that overflows within our hearts. So much love that we can’t contain it. So we cry trying to release some of it only, really we’re just making room to receive more. So yes, you and I will cry as much as we hate it. Sometimes it is what we do. It’s how we show our love. Lola showed it by feverishly waving while chanting the words “byeee byyyye.” We do hugs and cuddles and kisses and we weep. Like babies. Because we are crazy about each other you and me. We’ve been through a lot together and God willing our adventures aren’t over just yet.

So cry when you need to and I’ll do the same. But have fun too. Release the tears, wipe your face and go back to having fun and living life. The love that you released in the form of tears will be replenished as you dance alongside your sister and all of the people who love you. Your heart will not feel empty. Instead it will feel full.

I will cry when I need to cry too, knowing that my tears are a reflection of my love for you. Knowing that a sweet reunion is on the horizon for us both.

BFF (or at least until you get mad at me but don’t worry, we’ll make up).

HisMrsHerMrletter

Forever and always,

Mommy

 

p.s. Thank you for my letter Jalayla Bee.

 

 

 

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