On Not Changing a Thing

I fall into that trap so often. The one where you start wishing you did things a
little differently.

– I wish we didn’t buy this house.
– I wish I picked a different career.
– I wish we moved to (insert city)  instead…

And before you know it I’ve wished myself into a migraine or a depressive state.
See the trouble with those kinds of wishes is that they set you up for
disappointment. What’s done is done. I can’t change the fact that we poured so
much into a house later to decide that it wasn’t the right decision for our
family. I can’t change the fact that I decided to become a social worker or that
we decided to set up shop in this side of town. I sometimes want to–
desperately. But I can’t.

I don’t want to deal with the headaches and frustrations that come out of some
of the choices that we have made but it comes with growing up. And as
frustrating as this can all be at moments when I feel like I can’t take much
more I remember a conversation I once had with the Mr.

He reminded me of all the good things that came out of our choices things like:

Our family becoming closer.
Our marriage becoming stronger as we continue to learn to lean on each other.
A baby. When we moved here we were set on life as a family of 3. We had always
talked about adoption but we were content. But then there was her and with her
has come so much more love and joy than we ever could have imagined.
An opportunity – Had there been no Lola I’d still be working at an important yet
extremely stressful job. I would have never taken that leap. And despite trying
to apply for various writing jobs it wasn’t until her arrival that the doors really
started to open up.
Time – today I wanted to throw some f bombs at time. I love time but I also hate
it. My babies are growing and I feel like they are on the verge of moving out
and starting their own lives.

And this is where I realize that maybe I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’m tired. I don’t sleep much between work and trying to keep the house from
being swallowed up by a mountain of laundry or dirty dishes. But I’m happy. I have
my dark days but those are mostly when I get to wishing. But my heart is happier
than it’s ever been. Ever. I’m typing a blog post from my iPhone as I hold my
sleeping baby in my arms. I am spending a full summer with my 8 year old for the
first time since she was an infant. I’m not irritable all of the time or always in a
hurry. I’m actually stopping from time to time just to stare at my babies. To
take them in. To play and be silly.

It’s hard trying to write and parent and be a wife and take care of a home. And
I’ll be honest, I tend to only be able to do one or two things well at once. My
help during the week lately has been my oldest playing with her sister so I can
pee.

But these past few months have been the most amazingly wonderful months of my
life. I don’t make as much money as I did and I do experience stress as a
freelance writer but if I were able to go back in time and get some of those
wishes I wouldn’t be here.

I may have the perfect house but I’d also be at a job that emotionally and
mentally drained me in order to maintain it. And I may live in the perfect city
but it may not have lent for spontaneous lunch dates with my husband and the
girls or my mom.

I’m going to have to work harder at not giving so much thought to the things I wish
I did differently. I am sure most of us have them. But sometimes those are the
things that led us to the path we are on — paths filled with more time for our
families, opportunities to reach for our dreams or a realization that the
perfect life isn’t just about a house with a garden; it’s about realizing that
all the things that seem imperfect can mesh together to create something
beautiful and precious.

I will forever be grateful for this time in my life. The time when the things
that I desperately wanted to change led me to this part of my life’s story.

So instead of wishing, what I should be doing is making the most of the beauty
that has come from the imperfect. That way I won’t wake up one day and wish I
made the most of the gift I had been given….

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Comments

  1. This is so beautiful you brought me to tears. You’ve really captured what so many work-at-home moms feel I think. You’re an inspiration and you’re family is so lucky to have you!
    xo
    Heidi recently posted..Setbacks Happen ~ Here are 3 Tips to Help Get Your Inner Growth Back on TrackMy Profile

  2. This is SO true. Thanks for writing this. I love your blog by the way!
    Katie recently posted..My Battle With Anxiety (And Why I’m Determined to Win)My Profile

  3. I do the wishing well thing to myself all the time. It only puts me in a funky mood. I have to remind myself that what I already have isn’t bad at all. Thanks for sharing!

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  1. […] On not changing a thing. […]

  2. […] past year has been life changing and each day filled with lessons learned. And even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing. Watching Lola grow and change and watching my oldest seemingly dance in the magic of being a big […]

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