Yesterday as I gripped the steering wheel of my car my heart raced. I was headed back to my workplace only this time it was to say goodbye. Goodbyes can be hard even when you are happy to be moving on. I was blessed with some amazing co-workers and a supervisor who supported me and looked out for me, even more so, during a difficult pregnancy. I was blessed to meet some amazing families and to be able to make a difference. But I was tired mentally and emotionally and sometimes I came home feeling depleted.
And then there was her.
For months I was consumed with the idea of leaving my baby girl. My oldest daughter was eight so I was no stranger to how fast time flew by. The fact that I became pregnant when my husband and I had finally settled into the idea of having a one and only still baffles me. Yes I said baffle. It baffles me (and yes I do know how people get pregnant:). Suddenly my world is filled with teething tablets, swaddle blankets and diaper blowouts. And while I have been through this before in some ways it feels foreign and familiar at the same time. It also feels right. So right. Despite not having had a real night’s sleep since before I was pregnant and having much less money than I did before, my days have been a dream come true. I have a new found joy, a joy that was lost in the haste of my work days as a I struggled to balance my workload and my family life, knowing all the while I was replaceable.
Yesterday I chose family. I know life is going to change drastically. And by drastically I mean we are in for some major changes, not just reducing trips to the mall or dinners out (although maternity leave helped prepare me for that) but downsizing, me still having “nothing to wear,” and I may never get that Louie or go on a vacation anytime soon. And as much of an adjustment as that will be I don’t even care anymore because the greatest joy I have experienced to date has not been in the obtainment of designer clothes, or expensive dinners (although I will admit I do love food) but in the faces of my children and my husband who are finally seeing glimpses of the mommy and wife I was before the spark in my eyes faded because I just didn’t know how to deal quite so well anymore.
As I write this the future doesn’t look as laid out as it once did. The security of my county job no longer there, instead I have swapped it for freelancing and a little uncertainty but it is; however, looking awfully bright. I know I will face my share of challenges this year, nothing has come easy yet but I am actually living my dream and if you asked me just a couple months ago if that was even possible, I’d say it wasn’t likely. But it happened and while it may not entail some of the things I once thought it should, the parts that need to be there are – primarily my girls and my husband and more time with them.
I told you I was going to take more risks this year and I just took a big one. It could go all sorts of ways from here on out, I know, but for now I am going to enjoy every moment I can because tomorrow isn’t promised and because things can change at any time. I’m going to ride til the wheels fall off! And keep taking it all in.
I am thankful for the doors that have opened and the opportunities that I have been presented with. I am thankful that I will get to invest more in my family and that my days will be spent doing what I love (working to get better at it) and being with the people I love.
Prayers and good thoughts are appreciated. This is the biggest leap of faith I have taken in some time. My dream is now not just a dream anymore, it has been made real and my heart is overjoyed.
More on all of this later. For now I have to go pinch myself just to make sure this is all happening. I am officially a WAHM. Holla!
p.s. Thank you Mr. Briscoe.