Gentle Jolts

This post was written last night in my iphone notes section. Photo added this morning.

Tonight I read a post by way of Morgan of The 818. She shared that she needed to read it and how thankful am I that she shared it because I needed to read it too. It’s by Melissa of Dear Baby. I am new to Melissa’s blog but because of this post alone I will keep coming back.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to hold onto a childhood dream. My idea of what “home” should have been for me, what I wanted it to be and then, I made the mistake of looking to others to give it to me resulting in disappointment, heartache and some poor majorly decision making during my adolescence. I realized tonight that I’ve got to let it go not all my past garbage (I know I need to let that all go too but that is a work in progress) but this fantasy I have had in my head of how I believe things should have looked like. I can’t go back and change what was…I speak a lot to not letting my past define me but I’ve got to stop letting it stifle my spirit. I’ve got to stop letting it make me feel like somehow I got the short end of the stick when I know that’s not true.

I am writing this from my phone stopping to wipe my tears before they fall on the sweet baby girl that rests in my arms and in the other room I hear my other sweet girl, the angel that was sent from above to change my life, to help be a light in a very dark time in my life, to be my reason – reason to fight, to keep going, to live. I read these words tonight and it felt like I was being jolted awake.

During a time in my life when just about everything is up in the air I realized that my desire to belong, my desire to have home be what I believed it should be, and all those crazy choices I made led me to this. And while this may not be perfect and this may suck sometimes because it isn’t going the way I think it should, this is real, it is all mine and it’s beautiful. This is my life and despite the sadness that had been trying to creep back in, despite the negative thoughts that have been trying to consume me and take me back to a time in my life when I felt small, ALL of this is worth it. And every tear cried and every heartache was worth it, I need it to be, because it got me here and here is where I need to be. With these children and this husband and even our crazy dog.

I am the wife of a loving man. A man who didn’t let go even when it was hard (thank you God, because he is still holding on) and I am mommy to two of God’s greatest creations. I am honored that I was the vessel He used to get them here. I am also grateful. Grateful that I have a chance to determine what home will look like for me now. And I have a chance to make sure that for my children when they are older and they look back, home, wherever it may be, will be a special place. A place that prayerfully they will know that they can always find their way back to. A place where their daddy and I will be with hearts and arms wide open.

I will keep fighting even when I am tired and it hurts because my family is worth it. I am worth it. And no matter how old they are or what road they choose to travel I want my children to always be able to come home. Even if it is just for a little while. And when they come I want their daddy to be here beside me. For our children home has been where we are…For me home is where they are and where my husband is.

I say it so much but blogging has changed my life. I am thankful for the words that I read and for the people behind them, and for gentle jolts. I am reminded that the home I have now matters more than the home I wish I had when I was growing up.

Letting go of some stuff to make room for more of this:

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Comments

  1. Heidi Oran says:

    I’m so proud of you Kris – you’re just completely evolving it’s amazing ;)
    I was just writing a post up for a new project, and the first thing I listed off was “letting go”. Such an important step to growing.
    xoxoxo
    H

    • Thanks for the encouragement!! Definitely having some growing pains these days but at least I’m growing :)
      Can’t wait to read your next project!

  2. I know what you mean! I’ve spent so much of my life wishing for something “more,” or the next thing in the future that I miss out on the here and now. My husband and I are always talking about building our dream home someday and we have to constantly remind ourselves that OUR HOME NOW is a dream home. Thanks for this post and your family is just too adorable!!
    Chaunie@TInyBlueLine recently posted..Hey, You’re a Mom Too? Let’s Be Friends.My Profile

  3. Krishann,
    I swear you and me are the same person. I’ve always held on to the “past” of what I thought my life was and how it wasn’t fair how it really turned out. I have this image in my head about how wonderful everything was growing up. When I really look back it was all awful and yet I hold on to that “fantasy” of what I thought I had. One day Khalil asked me “what do you remember from being little?” We sat and talked for awhile about the memories I shared with him. When I was done, he said mom “none of those sound very nice.” When he said that, I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest because he was right. I’d been so dumb to hold on to these memories that weren’t that great after all. (OMG, now I’m crying at work). Now I have to make sure that my boys don’t grow up and feel like they didn’t have a home or memories they can share and hold onto forever. Most of the time now I feel like I don’t have a place to call “home” but you’re right, home is where the heart is and that is anywhere my boys are, all three of them.

    • I am crying reading this. I always would hold onto fantasies too but the good thing is life didn’t stop for us and with its continuance came a chance for us to make some better memories and find (and make) some very special people to make them with. We are home now and that’s what matters.

  4. Really beautiful post. I enjoyed reading it. I don’t have a vision because of our lifestyle. It’s all kind of a hot mess adventure of uncertainty but we go with the flow and love it. I guess because I too let go. It’s a liberating thing. Thanks for sharing.
    Veronica recently posted..My kids met Santa. I annoyed an elf.My Profile

    • Thank you so much. You seem to make things work and I love reading about and seeing photos from your family’s adventures. I need to work going with the flow more. When things are uncertain I tend to worry.

  5. This is so beautiful. I too have had a hard time letting go of the past and accepting my life as messy and wonderful as it is. As someone who struggles with depression, I know that feeling of fighting with yourself, fighting with your demons. Thank you for writing this.
    Nicole P. recently posted..Best Hot Chocolate EverMy Profile

    • Thank you for sharing Nicole. I struggle with depression too but on the bright side at least we are fighting. We are still here. Still fighting ;)

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