This post was written last night in my iphone notes section. Photo added this morning.
Tonight I read a post by way of Morgan of The 818. She shared that she needed to read it and how thankful am I that she shared it because I needed to read it too. It’s by Melissa of Dear Baby. I am new to Melissa’s blog but because of this post alone I will keep coming back.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to hold onto a childhood dream. My idea of what “home” should have been for me, what I wanted it to be and then, I made the mistake of looking to others to give it to me resulting in disappointment, heartache and some poor majorly decision making during my adolescence. I realized tonight that I’ve got to let it go not all my past garbage (I know I need to let that all go too but that is a work in progress) but this fantasy I have had in my head of how I believe things should have looked like. I can’t go back and change what was…I speak a lot to not letting my past define me but I’ve got to stop letting it stifle my spirit. I’ve got to stop letting it make me feel like somehow I got the short end of the stick when I know that’s not true.
I am writing this from my phone stopping to wipe my tears before they fall on the sweet baby girl that rests in my arms and in the other room I hear my other sweet girl, the angel that was sent from above to change my life, to help be a light in a very dark time in my life, to be my reason – reason to fight, to keep going, to live. I read these words tonight and it felt like I was being jolted awake.
During a time in my life when just about everything is up in the air I realized that my desire to belong, my desire to have home be what I believed it should be, and all those crazy choices I made led me to this. And while this may not be perfect and this may suck sometimes because it isn’t going the way I think it should, this is real, it is all mine and it’s beautiful. This is my life and despite the sadness that had been trying to creep back in, despite the negative thoughts that have been trying to consume me and take me back to a time in my life when I felt small, ALL of this is worth it. And every tear cried and every heartache was worth it, I need it to be, because it got me here and here is where I need to be. With these children and this husband and even our crazy dog.
I am the wife of a loving man. A man who didn’t let go even when it was hard (thank you God, because he is still holding on) and I am mommy to two of God’s greatest creations. I am honored that I was the vessel He used to get them here. I am also grateful. Grateful that I have a chance to determine what home will look like for me now. And I have a chance to make sure that for my children when they are older and they look back, home, wherever it may be, will be a special place. A place that prayerfully they will know that they can always find their way back to. A place where their daddy and I will be with hearts and arms wide open.
I will keep fighting even when I am tired and it hurts because my family is worth it. I am worth it. And no matter how old they are or what road they choose to travel I want my children to always be able to come home. Even if it is just for a little while. And when they come I want their daddy to be here beside me. For our children home has been where we are…For me home is where they are and where my husband is.
I say it so much but blogging has changed my life. I am thankful for the words that I read and for the people behind them, and for gentle jolts. I am reminded that the home I have now matters more than the home I wish I had when I was growing up.
Letting go of some stuff to make room for more of this: